Goth Culture and I.

Andy Sí looking pretty. c:

When I was 11 1/2, I got interested in Goth culture. Okay, that was an incorrect way to phrase it. I decided to be Goth. And my darlings, I was far, far from being the Goth chick I was today. I listened to Linkin Park and Evanescence. I didn't know how to apply eyeliner. I thought that a studded shirt was the most GOFFICKEST of all GOFFICK stuff. I thought Hot Topic was the most AWESOME and GOFFICK store to ever come to this freaking planet. And I still. Wore. Blue. Jeans. My God!

Let's start off with my low self-esteem. Without a good self-esteem you don't glow, you don't look good. It doesn't matter if you wear the best clothes or best make-up you will always look like sh*t if you have a low self-esteem. It's just like Derek Blasberg said:

"You might have the sexiest outfit on, but if you hold yourself like a timid granny at a rock concert, you won’t look nearly as hot as the confident girl in the turtleneck."

-Classy

I had a low self-esteem because I was a victim of bullying. The kids at my school commented on how I was ugly and weird, they constantly insulted me (sometimes beat me up), accused me of doing things I didn't do (thus getting me into trouble) and sexually harassed me. It didn't help that the teachers barely did anything and scolded ME each time I reacted to the little demons. This brought me down to the point I felt like a piece of worthless shit that nobody loved, will never be loved and deserved to die. I wanted to become Goth as a form of rebellion, because I was fed up with following the stupid girls at my school that acted like whores, listened to horrible pop music and watched soap operas. I remember the first time I first dressed -to my standards of- Goth. I wore some blue skinny jeans, a studded shirt my mum gave me, my mum's studded platform sandals and piled on some black eyeliner (I didn't know how to apply it though). I felt confident. I never felt that good in a long time.

But of course, my true evolution started at my 13th birthday. Mum and I found my 13th birthday to be a big event, for I finally turned into a teen. Mum took me to have a shopping spree in Hot Topic and I bought a black pleated mini-skirt with a black "corset" (Stupid Hot Topic.) with some black tights that had fishnets on the side. But still, my confidence needed some rebuilding. When I would go out in public like this, I would usually hide behind my mother so people wouldn't stare (And I dressed very "light" compared with how I dress now). But soon I realised: "Who gives a crap? I'm going to be myself and if people find me weird they should just choke on a Dick Cheney." Then I took my "Fuck it" attitude. This attitude is VERY necessary if you want to stop caring about what people think.

"You're so weird!"
Fuck it.

"You're such a freak!"
Fuck it.

"You look ugly!" 
Fuck it.


"Why can't you be normal?"
FUCK IT.

I looked up Goth, and read books about the matter. Am I serious about this? Does this suit me? Or was it just a simple phase? It turned out that I really identified with Goth culture, I loved the music (After of course, looking up the REAL bands), the literature, and I loved the fashion. I realised that Goth was not only looks, or a form of rebellion, it was a way of life. I stopped trying too hard and be myself. To not be ashamed of liking a pop song, but still adore underground bands and good ol' Goth Rock. To not be ashamed of shopping at Hot Topic, but still realize it should be burned down. And most importantly, to not give two flying fucks of what people think.

By the time I was in the middle of my 14 years I had matured dramatically not only as a Goth, but as a person. I was rocking out to Bauhaus and Siouxsie, and adored Adora. I had a more polished, yet dramatic look, instead of looking like I smothered my eyes with cheap eyeliner. And finally, I felt confident and happy. Being Goth made me stronger. It made me see the comedic in the tragic, the beautiful in the macabre, and the crazyness in sanity. And, like my great drama teacher Roberto Ramos-Perea said to me: "The [literary] Gothics believe there is something more than life."

It is a beautiful thing, Goth culture. So keep on being who you are! And remember:

FUCK IT!