Camwhoring!

This blog has a lack of pictures of me looking pretty. Let's fix that.

Me in this this year's CTY monster-themed dance party

Me in my Lisbeth Salander phase from last year

Me in this year's CTY 80's-themed dance party

Planning My Halloween Costume

So my friend Sebb-Sebbs and I went to Party City to you know, fuck around. We had an ultimate showdown with the plastic swords, scythes, machetes, knives and swords. I won, obviously. We walked around Party City and we started talking about what Halloween costumes we were going to decide on. We were wandering around the Halloween section until we accidentally fell upon the "Gothic" section (oh God). Besides the shitty accessories and the select few that I thought were cool, we say some tears of blood face tattoos. And then it hit us- let's be Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way and Vampire Potter!

Dressing up as Enoby will be an easy task, since I do have most of the clothe described in the fic. I
will surely have a ball with my guy pal Sebby. I have made a polyvore for my outfit based on Chapter 1's outfit. Hopefully, I can convince my mother to let me go to Circotic so I can wear this outfit.

Electric Daisy Carnival 2012

Yo homies, I don't own this picture.  This came from here.  Fo'shizzle.

Despite my eccentric exterior, I've always shied away from partying. Why? Well...

1. I hate drunk people. You have no idea how much I hate being around drunk people, it simply infuriates me.
2. Drugs! Ahhh! Nooo... Nononono. Drugs creep me out. I hate messing around with my perception of reality (and don't you dare come to me with philosophical bullshit about what is reality). Hell, looking at those optical illusions that give you swirly vision sends me screaming out of terror. 
3. Sexual assault and rape. I've heard many stories of people being touched inappropriately, drugged and raped, etc... This was probably my biggest fear seeing as I have faced sexual harassment in the past and I'd hate for that to escalate into something worse. It angers me that many men think that they are entitled to another woman's body just because she's partying or dressed skimpy. Let us have fun, you pigs. 

However, this party was the most fun I've had in a long time! Two of the previous worries did not happen, for I didn't get involved with any drunk people, and I nobody touched me or said anything inappropriate. However I think I saw some people dealing drugs and for the first time in my life I saw a CLOUD OF MARIJUANA . HOLY SHIT. It was so weird! It was like witnessing a behemoth one would hear of in the old stories of our ancestors. Also, a lot of people were smoking legally, which is more ew than marijuana. I find it hard to dance when my breathing is cut short by cigarette smoke. Please, go to the marijuana cloud with the other smokers.

Though the act I wanted to see was Kaskade, he was going to appear at 3 a.m., and me still being under-age with a responsible mother, was allowed to stay until 12. Still the music was GREAT! I danced like CRAZY! You know a party's great when it's raining, you're covered in sweat and you don't care. I'm apalled by the number of people that just wave their hands, shake their heads, fistpump and call it "dancing". Come on! Let loose! Nobody's focusing on how you dance, so go crazy!

Talking about boring people, I've read that EDC is a playground of ravers and Kandi Kids. This made me very giddy, because I know I've made it obvious already, but I LOVE urban tribes, especially the ones that dress crazy. Yet, a lot of people were dressed as if they were going to the beach! There were almost no ravers or Kandi Kids in sight! I also lost count of how many guys were wearing the same "Sex, Drugs and Dubstep" shirt that's sold at Hot Topic. Yet again, it's an electronic fest, one must expect some douche-baggy types of people. Meh. However, this makes me appreciate even more the people that dressed crazy for EDC. I even saw some cyber goths, I think. I remember that guy dressed as a mouse that was only wearing blue underwear. Props to that guy. Props to all the people that dressed fantastic for this year's EDC. No props to anyone that wore Native American gear. Take your cultural-appropriating ass back home.

Here's the story of how my night went:
So my mum knows the guy that organises this whole shindig, and he told me I'd be on "the list", and that I didn't have to buy a ticket. I said "hip, hip, hooray!" and told all of my friends. He said that I had to show my ID, and I didn't have one, so I went and got an official government ID.

My friend who lived in Germany for a year brought me some cyberlox and I was planning to wear them to EDC, I bought some new make-up and I dyed my hair black to match the lox. However, time passed quickly between me dyeing my hair and buying some things because next thing I know, my friend came to pick me up! I did my make-up quickly. I covered 1/4 of my eyebrows and did Spock-brows with dramatic cat-eye and black lipstick. I wore a crop top with a mesh shirt underneath with some faux-leather shorts and fishnets with a garter belt. I accesorised  with a chain-and-lock necklace and a fuzzy little feather purse. I didn't have the time to cut the lox and put them on (Oh, poo). I did this all quickly and rushed down to my friend C, and she wasn't angry at all, God bless her little soul.

We drove all excited because it was our first time going to EDC, and all of our friends were there. We arrived, and took the little golf cart-pool to the pier. We arrive the entrance and I tell the guys there that I'm on the list, my friend shows her ticket and we walk allll the way to the pier. The guys told us that I had to talk to a chick named Andrea. When we arrive, I go to the Andrea chick, I drop the organiser's name and tell her that I'm on the list. "Are you a bartender?" she asks. I reply with "no" and she says that it's the wrong list, because the invited people list was allll the wayyy back in the ticket booth. I grumble, and my friend accompanies me back to the ticket booth. I go to the ticket booth and I tell the lady inside that I'm on the list and she asks me: "Which one?" Then I saw that there were many lists! Oh, goodness! Our organiser friend didn't tell us that there were many lists, much less WHICH list I was in! I guess that I would be in the backstage/staff list, and I'm not on it! So I had to buy the 56$ ticket. I go back to my friend, and guess what, she lost her ticket! She told me that some bastard must have snatched  it from her pocket. The poor girl was crying and calling her mum to pick her up. I didn't think it was fair for me to go because if it weren't for me, she would have been having fun. I offered her my ticket two times, and she refused both offers. She told me that her night was ruined and that she didn't want to go any more. I accompanied her until her mum picked her up. I felt so guilty. If it weren't for me and the stupid "list" bullshit, we wouldn't have gone up and down and have her lost her ticket. I should have told her to go to the party before me so I could get my ticket, instead I had her accompany me and have her lose her ticket.



I walked all the way back because the golf-cartpool was taking too long (stupid tourists that took my place even though I was waiting there before them). Then I found myself upon some other friends of mine and they accompanied me to the entrance. Yay! I wasn't going alone! We held on to each other because there was a LOT of people. I was very pumped up because of the music that was playing while we waited in line. I did get a little worried though, because nobody was checking the metal detectors (what if somebody entered with a gun or a knife?!) As we entered I had to do MORE walking, until we were finally in the party. Our group was waiting for more people, until I found myself with my friend Ana. Then I bid them adieu, and stayed with Ana for the rest of the night.

Let me tell you that majority of EDC is looking for your friends than actual dancing, or at least that was for me because that's what Ana and I were doing most of the night. It was "searching for our friends with a few bouts of dancing". I danced in the AXE cage (also a great tool to look for your friends!), and danced like a fuckin' maniac. A few guys complimented me on my dancing, and being Leo me, those are always welcome. However, I did not like that some douchebag was RECORDING me! I let it pass, because that night was to let all cares go away. But, if you find some cool person dancing, ASK FOR THEIR PERMISSION BEFORE RECORDING THEM. This is part of the book called "Not Being a Dick in Real Life" written by Gudpahrt O'Sosytie. Sheesh.

After dancing and having a good time, we had rest in Circuit Grounds (the building with the big fans), I reunited with my friends and my other friends Sue, whom I met in CTY. Ana and I got a pizza and we left at 12:30, satisfied with our great experience at the Daisy.

I was sooo tired when I got home, I never looked forward to a cold shower so much in my life! And that pretty make-up I did? Ruined! Haha, but I didn't care. I had a great experience and that's all I can say. I look forward to more electronic festivals in the future. I can't wait!

Opinions of things that have happened a long time ago: Damien (Previously known as "Jessi Slaughter")

Once upon a time, there was a boy that once posted a quite controversial video:

...And his name used to be Jessi Slaughter.

At first I absolutely hated this Jessi Slaughter. Her attitude was the most despicable thing I had ever witnessed. She made me so angry and proved to me how our youth was decaying. Questions like "What urged her to say such obscenities?" and "Where were her parents?" ran through my mind as I looked through more of her videos. I later found out she falsely accused two men of rape, and my fury grew even more. I'd never thought such pretentiousness, obscenities, and unpleasantness would come out of a mere 11-year-old girl. I became frustrated with the world. "Why would the Universe give us things like this?" I'd think to myself. Later on, I researched on the internet more about this distasteful girl. I just had to know what caused this.

The results were disheartening. Jessi was in a terrible situation at the time, and the worst had just to come when this video was posted. She was living in an abusive home with drug-addicted parents, and she barely had any friends in school. Her parents would beat her, and basically destroy her emotionally and mentally. The only sanctuary she had within herself was through this persona that (badly) imitated the Scene Queens of MySpace. She wanted to feel known, loved, and appreciated like those girls. She thought they were beautiful, fierce and confident. If she couldn't find that attention at home or at school, she could find it on the internet.

I know this, because I identify with the feeling.

Back when I was a bullied child, I felt lonely and under-appreciated. My parents were never abusive, quite the contrary, but I yearned for the attention and praise from my peers. Since I couldn't receive that, I went to the internet. I made a profile on Deviant Art, and with false confidence I'd write: "Hello Deviant Art! Your Most talented 11-year-old is here!" I would post some traced work, shitty fan-art with nonsensical concepts, my Mary-Sue OC, etc... I was an annoying little shit who always apologized for her drawing because I didn't take "Anime Classes" (pfft), I evaded constructive criticism, I would put on a false mask of confidence and pretended I was the last Coca-Cola of the desert. It was a dark period for me. However, I pulled out and changed my attitude before I could face the merciless wrath of the internet, unlike Jessi.

If one could describe what Jessi faced, "hell" would be least .

Famed 4chan trolls saw her videos and started trolling her videos, send hate messages, death threats, call her phone number, stalk her, etc... Everything was escalating out of control. It all resulted into this video of her having a breakdown:

Of course, the video became hilarious for those who absolutely despised her, which was most of the internet.  Her father became a meme, and her breakdown was taken as a joke. However, this was a prelude to the further chaos she was going to face.

Besides her parents being abusive animals towards her, she held a relationship with a much older man, has gotten pregnant and aborted, attempted suicide multiple times, has gone to mental institutions, has had her nude pictures leaked on the internet, and has jumped from foster home to foster home. Her father has died, and her mother is as emotionally abusive as ever. Jessi's life spiralled downward, and a lot of it was fuelled by the horrid mistreatment coming from the internet.

Jessi even filmed an apology:

Jessi later realised who was her true self: Damien. A boy.  I believe that Damien has realised most of his mistakes, and regrets it. I think he is trying leave it all behind. Yes, I think he has done some stupid shit in the past, including the false rape accusation, which is completely unforgivable. Hell, I even hear he's still doing stupid shit like falsely calling himself "goth" and other things. However, I think we should leave this kid alone and go on with our lives. He has already gone through enough, let the poor kid be.

Time and age and petty little things

Time passes by quickly. In one year I'll be 18, in 2 I'll be 20, in 10 I'll be 27. I wish this would not happen.

Age, death, and being forgotten are my worst fears. Though I am handling not being forgotten, old age and death are two things I cannot change. I do not feel like I have grown up, I feel the same.

I can't believe I have the age to start driving, that my friends are all losing their virginities, that everyone around me is partying and drinking... It is all so queer to me. 

When my friend told me zie lost hir virginity, I had an attack of emotions. I was

 literally crying, laughing, angry and nervous at the same time. It's not that I cared for the loss of hir virginity, it was just so damn strange for me and I did not know how to react. The attack of emotions was more about about these events happening so quickly than about hir.

I do not wish to partake in anything in life yet I do; I wish life would stand still for a second to let me catch my breath.

The concept of age is such a strange thing to me. The concept of death is such a strange thing for me.

I sometimes think about dying, but then I discard the matter because it's not worth it. What am I going to gain? Maybe I just love to be a living suicidal than actually attempting my death. 

Why am I suicidal? I feel lonely. I am ageing. Everyone is better than me. I just feel like staying in bed and doing nothing because sometimes I just don't feel like going out and living. I like being with friends, but they just seem to be enjoying and fulfilling their lives way more than I am. They are prettier, more charismatic, and  everybody loves them. They are accomplishing the dreams I have. Me? I'm just that freaky friend with the weird clothes and singing voice.

It's sad, because I love my friends, but I feel that my jealousy will overcome everything, destroy our friendship, and I will be alone.

If you're reading this: don't worry, I'll never kill myself. I'll die an old woman out of natural causes, like everyone is supposed to. I just, have all these thoughts that I cannot vent to anybody, just myself. There is no purpose telling this to anybody because they can't fix anything. I just have to deal with this for myself.