Saturday, 1 September 2012

Time and age and petty little things

Time passes by quickly. In one year I'll be 18, in 2 I'll be 20, in 10 I'll be 27. I wish this would not happen.

Age, death, and being forgotten are my worst fears. Though I am handling not being forgotten, old age and death are two things I cannot change. I do not feel like I have grown up, I feel the same.

I can't believe I have the age to start driving, that my friends are all losing their virginities, that everyone around me is partying and drinking... It is all so queer to me. 

When my friend told me zie lost hir virginity, I had an attack of emotions. I was
 literally crying, laughing, angry and nervous at the same time. It's not that I cared for the loss of hir virginity, it was just so damn strange for me and I did not know how to react. The attack of emotions was more about about these events happening so quickly than about hir.

I do not wish to partake in anything in life yet I do; I wish life would stand still for a second to let me catch my breath.

The concept of age is such a strange thing to me. The concept of death is such a strange thing for me.

I sometimes think about dying, but then I discard the matter because it's not worth it. What am I going to gain? Maybe I just love to be a living suicidal than actually attempting my death. 

Why am I suicidal? I feel lonely. I am ageing. Everyone is better than me. I just feel like staying in bed and doing nothing because sometimes I just don't feel like going out and living. I like being with friends, but they just seem to be enjoying and fulfilling their lives way more than I am. They are prettier, more charismatic, and  everybody loves them. They are accomplishing the dreams I have. Me? I'm just that freaky friend with the weird clothes and singing voice.

It's sad, because I love my friends, but I feel that my jealousy will overcome everything, destroy our friendship, and I will be alone.

If you're reading this: don't worry, I'll never kill myself. I'll die an old woman out of natural causes, like everyone is supposed to. I just, have all these thoughts that I cannot vent to anybody, just myself. There is no purpose telling this to anybody because they can't fix anything. I just have to deal with this for myself. 

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